The Worst Film of Dario Argento’s ‘Golden Age’; Suspiria

Suspiria(1977)

Cast: Jessica Harper, Stefania Casini, Flavio Buccio  

Director: Dario Argento 

In the golden age of Giallo, among great directors such as Mario Bava and Lucio Fulci, a ‘star’ was rising; Dario Argento. After releasing his director-debut 1970 hit, ‘L’Uccello dalle Piume di Cristallo', Argento would wait seven years before releasing his international smash hit, his highest-rated work and one of the best-regarded supernatural horror movies in history; ‘Suspiria’. 

What is it about?

Suspiria(1977) is centred around a German dance school where grisly murders start occurring. When an American girl, Suzy Bannion(Jessica Harper), comes to the school, she starts figuring things out and the truth comes out about the school being a witch coven. It’s unlike any Argento movie, where there’s usually a repetitive pattern of a black-masked black-gloved killer brutally murdering the entire cast of said film, and the reporter/writer guy frantically seeking the answer. Here, we’ve got witches and the supernatural. So, now that it’s established what makes up this film, here’s why it’s arguably the worst.

Having never seen Jessica Harper in another film, I’ll start by saying that I don’t intend to. Although not an abomination, her acting made me recoil with embarrassment. Okay, I get it, Giallos are made to be over-expressive, but we ought to remember that they’re still horror movies, and horror movies don’t necessitate musical-tier acting. If you’d feel more comfortable Jessica, play Roxie Hart in ‘Chicago’. 

In addition, all the witch-coven, whatever mess, doesn’t make sense. Cool, we’ve got the setting; a mysterious dance school. What else have we got? A bunch of immature girls, a love interest that never gets mentioned again, the least realistic and terrifying scenes and gore in the history of horror, the stereotypical schoolmistress and a random Greek witch that looks like an alligator-skin purse. The only truly compelling character is the blind pianist Daniel, and his fate isn’t rather fortunate(as per every Giallo ever made). Suzy is the obnoxious stereotypical American with no idea about anything and Sara is so reduced that she, mind you, looks out the window, glances with her eyes wide open, sees barbed wire fully anddddd…. you guessed it! She jumps directly into the wire. The last of the top three belonging to this wonderful cast is the Greek witch, Helena. Argento, making a mockery of a poor 90-year-old woman he found on the street,  makes makeup and effects look like a 2014 YSL alligator purse but more hideous and Italian. Honestly, not great casting. Oh and her voice isn’t even hers, it’s that of Argento’s girlfriend. 

Not only was the casting absolutely rubbish, but so was the plot itself. Come on… the only explanation for a gruesome series of murders is witches? Nobody’s telling you to repeat ‘Tenebrae’(not great either, but alas, better) but that’s a pretty lame excuse for an explanation, and its execution was even poorer. Nobody’s expecting the next ‘The Autopsy of Jane Doe’(not that it’s a good movie, just really scary) either, but man, come on; neon, German witches? People are saying the industry is at its lowest nowadays, but with movies like this among the ‘classics’, it’s clear that the low always existed amongst the general competitors. 

While I could sit here for days and ramble words of hatred for this flaming rubbish caught in the abyss between supernatural nonsense and giallo, I won’t. There too are positives, besides the intriguing blind pianist. It is quite striking how while employing bright shades of poignant cinnabar and using pop music, Argento captures the feeling of somewhat horror. In plain daylight, Suspiria isn’t scary; it’s just lame. However, at night, alone, all lights shut with your parents entranced in a deep sleep, I too did flinch when a branch struck the window. It creates an atmosphere as long as you can cooperate. Unlike movies like ‘The Poughkeepsie Tapes’ and ‘Poltergeist’ which long leave a bitter taste and uneasiness, Suspiria can only do so if properly aligned with the surroundings in a precise manner. As long as you can comply with its want, you can maybe enjoy this movie, as much as such an abhorrent movie can be enjoyed. 

To conclude, Suspiria is not the worst film in the world(that’s some teen comedy filmed during the pandemic), just Argento’s. If you want to watch it, fine, but don’t start with it. The only advice I can give is if you have a big watchlist and Suspiria is on it, don’t start with it but rather delete it right off the list; it’s not worth your time.